A Lifelong Journey

Pain makes you grow. Experience builds your character. Time changes everything.

These simple phrases summarizes of what I have become today.

Pain starts growing into hatred and in no time your heart hardens as you face through the difficulties in life. It wasn't my choice or my intention that it has to be this way. I wish I had a different path too.

Mine started at a very young age. I was never able to grow up as a normal kid. All along I strive to be successful, to be accepted, to win hearts, to get the attention, to be in the spotlight..so I never have to be ALONE.

The pain is unbearable..remembering how my parents left me at a stranger's home, whom I should be calling family. Sitting at the door step waiting.. and waiting. I was in tears everyday. I was only 2..why can't God have mercy on me and return a normal family back.I could never understand all of it, worst is I could never question about it. Anytime I talk about it, I'm told that I'm too young to understand. But I was not! I know what was going on. Listening to the fights, arguments and shouting. Something I could not interpret why this was happening.

Truthfully, I was in fear. Am I at fault? What is going to happen to me? Starring blankly at the wall, thinking to myself WHEN WILL THIS END? I WISH I WAS A GROWN UP TOO! But I could not change the situation. Decision has been made that I will be sent to a different home.

Thank God..it was a beautiful loving home afterall and everyone loved me. I know I had to be good to be accepted because I have no where to go! I never dared to ask more, because I know I'm too young to understand. I just wish someone could tell me how my future could turn out to be!

I remember how I hated to go to airports ever since I had to send my mother off, to see her never returning again. I hated the feeling and I never like sending anyone off at the airport. It is heartbreaking knowing someone is leaving and will never come back to you again! Someone you needed most and wishing they were here for you..for just a little longer. The pain is worst that a cut in your heart. It's like a continual bleeding with a twist of lemon to intense the pain.

I waited for the day, and my wish came true on my 8th birthday. I could hardly recognize her when she was at the door step. I don't remember much about her. She has now become a stranger to me instead. As she approached me, she asked me if I missed her.. I just didn't know how to answer it. She said I have grown up..of course I did after all these years! I was suppose to call her "mom" but I don't remember her being there for me as a MOM. Where was she when I needed her to take me to bed? Where was she when I first went to school? Where was she during all my birthdays?

I could never understand it..perhaps I was too young to understand. Nobody even try to inform what was going on in my life! I just had to keep it to myself...

-yEE-